MyPerfect Valentine

My, haven’t the last 6 months of my life been a whirlwind?! It has been almost 6 months (lacking by only a few days) that I discovered a lump in my breast on one normal Friday night. Since then I have been to over 50 doctor’s appointments with my own team of a breast surgeon, medical oncologist, plastic surgeon, geneticist, cardiologist, and a number of nurses and lab techs. They aren’t really all my own, but I feel like they have been. God placed me in the very capable and loving hands of a wonderful group of people.

I was scheduled to complete my last chemo treatment on Thursday, 2.13.14…then we got 6 inches of snow and my appointment was cancelled. I was bummed, but knew that God would not let me down. My appointment was rescheduled and on Valentine’s Day, with my sweet husband by my side as always, I completed my last treatment. It was one of the most amazing accomplishments that I have in my book and will always feel like such an amazing victory. You would think that the reason would be because chemo was so hard, or because I was so sick, but it wasn’t…and I wasn’t. Chemo wasn’t the most fun thing I’ve ever done and I had my less that wonderful days, but it was because I got to witness for myself the miracles that God performs each and every day. He has held my hand, walked beside me, and completely carried me through every minute of every day. I know without a doubt that this journey could’ve been a much different story than the one I am so blessed to tell you.

Some of my dearest friends from my church small group came to visit me during my last treatment with beautiful flowers in tow. This group has been so wonderful to me and my family through all of this and I was so glad to have them celebrate with me…to know that they love me is a blessed feeling.

I have had such an outpour of love and support since day one and I wish that there was some significant speech or song or any compilation of words to express how grateful that I am. My family has been A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!! My parents have dragged my kids everywhere; my brother went to Boston just to buy me a hat straight out of Fenway; my sisters in law have brought me medicine, food, gifts, thrown me parties, researched the entire internet for information; my cousin started prayer chains through hundreds of people I’ve never met; several of my family members have sent us gifts or food. My friends have been just as amazing taking care of us. I just pray that you all know how very appreciative we are and that I will one day have the chance to repay you or pay it forward.

To my dearest Greg- you will never know what it meant to have you by my side through all of this. You continue to say “It’s not me who has the hard part.” But I know it couldn’t have always been easy putting up with me. From day one you have kept my spirits up, showered me, fed me, driven me, served me, waited on me, worried about me, prayed for me. I know that you may consider these things just part of it, but God has shown through you like a blinding beam of light to me. Never once have you complained, been aggravated or short with me, or made me feel like a burden. In fact, you have made me feel more important and more beautiful than ever. Your encouraging words, loving smiles, and soft touch are always just what I need. There are definitely not enough words to thank you. Having cancer is tough, but so is being a caregiver to someone with cancer. And baby- you did one heck of a job!!

To my beautiful daughters- you have shown such admirable strength. I cannot imagine what it feels like at 10 and 13 years of age to find out that your mom has cancer. It’s scary enough for an adult, but you two have been so very brave. You jumped in there and fought right along with me showing me all of the love and support that I could ever ask for. I pray that you have been an example for anyone around you showing that holding onto God’s grace will always get you through.

My journey is not over yet. I still have a few more surgeries ahead of me and will continue to receive immunotherapy through October of this year. But…the hardest parts are over and I can’t wait to have my hair back! It may be overrated, but a bald head is a cold head! J

Blessing in disguise

Am I thankful that I was diagnosed with cancer? Yes…well, most days. I have not enjoyed the days spent in the hospital being stuck over and over with needles ( I HATE needles!!) I have not enjoyed being stuck in my house for the majority of the past three months. I have not enjoyed the metallic taste that is constant for about a week after my chemo treatments. BUT… these are so miniscule compared to the things that I have learned or accepted since being diagnosed. The blessings that I have received or realized make the dislikes seem like tiny grains of sand on an endless beach.  

Cancer has taught me patience. I have always liked to claim that I am patient with people. I have not however been patient with having to wait for something. Now I realize to never have expectations in a doctor’s office. I may sometimes get right in at my appointment time, I may sometimes wait for over an hour. This may seem small, but it has helped to teach me patience. The world doesn’t revolve around me. (Crazy, right?!?!) I have learned that answers do not always come as quick as we would like them to. I waited one week exactly from finding my lump to receiving my diagnosis…it felt like months. I waited ten days for the results of my BRCA test…it felt like a year. I now accept that answers will come when they come.  

Cancer has taught me to relax. Don’t sweat the small stuff, right?! I can be somewhat of a control freak. I have self diagnosed OCD and ADD. People that I work with will tell you that I have to have everything in it’s place to be able to function. Cleaning is my stress relief and you can always tell how mad I am by how hard I am cleaning. But is it really a huge deal if there are shoes left in the living room overnight? My world isn’t going to fall apart because the towels in the closet aren’t all facing the same way. I only spent one hour versus the normal two of separating and positioning the limbs on my artificial Christmas tree this year and I let my youngest daughter set out ALL of the decorations where SHE wanted them instead of telling her where to put them. I love hearing the gossip and laughter of my daughters at 10:00 on a school night when they’ve been in bed for an hour or while I’m trying to watch TV because their laughter is one of my favorite sounds. Some of the things that I used to take for granted I now notice and cherish, because the things that I used to pay so much attention to somehow now don’t seem so big a deal.  

Cancer has taught me the love of a sister. God decided to bless me with four wonderful brothers- all of whom I wouldn’t trade for anything- but He didn’t bless me with any sisters to grow up with. Instead, He handpicked me four amazing sisters-in-law. My first sister in law has been a part of my life for 17 years. She was only 10 when Greg and I started dating, so although she does not share my blood, I got to watch her grow and got to treat her as my little sister. These women have stood by me since the beginning and treated me as if they have loved me like I’ve been their sister for all of their lives. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved them since each of them entered my life, but I feel closer to them now more than ever.  

Cancer has taught me the kindness of a stranger. I cannot count (mostly because I don’t even know) the people who have prayed for me. This all started from my cousin and my Dad. As I kept them updated on my progress, they updated their friends and shared my posts of Facebook. My prayer warrior chain quickly grew as their friends, and their friends friends, started to pray for me. I wish I could thank each and every one who has sent up prayers for me. I also had a mother of a schoolmate of my daughters’ come up to me in the beginning and let me know that she had arranged dinner for us for the first two weeks after my surgery. She had planned and organized it all without us knowing. 

Cancer has taught me the importance of a church family. You need to surround yourself with those who have the same faith and love for God as you do. I have so many people in my church family who love me and pray for me and are just there for me no matter what I need. I love my small group and the fact that I can just be myself around them no matter what is going on or how I feel. I can walk in there with my bald head gleaming and they never look twice. I can just be me and that feels amazing. 

Cancer has taught me trust. I used to be a worrier. I worried about almost everything- money, people, the future, and lots more. When you are told that you have cancer, it can very quickly get overwhelming trying to figure everything out and preparing for what is to come from day one until the day all surgery and treatment is done. It is a lot of stuff. So I started to pray for the lesson of trust. Please Lord, help me to trust you completely. Please calm my heart. Then God said, I’ve got this, relax. God renews His mercies every day. We are not promised tomorrow…we aren’t even promised the rest of today. So why spend time making yourself crazy about something that might never happen? Just pray for what you need for today, pray for what you need for the next hour. Pray for tomorrow tomorrow. Trust that the Lord will take care of you. 

I feel like I have changed so much over the last four months. I feel like my faith and trust in God has grown so much stronger. I am by no means where I want to be…but I am nowhere near where I used to be. I love that people are inspired by my story and my strength, but it is simple. If we are going to pray to God for the things that we want or need, and we trust Him to provide for us, then why are we surprised when it happens? I just want people to see that God is gracious. Prayer works. If you are living for God, then He will take care of you.

Just have faith. 

“This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I trust Him.” Psalm 91:2, NLT

 

Beautiful Dedication

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1, NLT

Tonight I was blessed to be able to witness the baptism of two guys very special in my life; my husband's cousin, Jason, who has been part of our life together since the very beginning, and Alex, Jason's daughter's boyfriend who has joined in as part of the family. There were a multitude of family members in attendance for this joyous profession of faith and that in itself is a blessing. I love baptisms and the outward sign it represents that someone is ready to live their life for the Lord. I get teary-eyed even when it's total strangers.
As the pastor was giving his sermon, it started off so close to where my heart is these days...faith. Reading the verse above, it continues to resonate in my soul. For since my journey has very first started, faith has been what it's all about for me. It's the confidence that what I hope for will happen. That God will heal me completely and that my story will be used for His glory. There are things that I pray for continuously and have for years. Prayers that would make such a difference in my life and the lives of my family. One of these specific prayers continued to shout itself out when I first found out about my cancer. I just keep thinking that if I can keep the faith and profess it every chance I get, it could make a difference and this prayer would be answered.
I have always believed in signs from God, whether it be a verse or an unexpected blessing, or anything else. There are just times when I know that God Himself brought it to my attention. Like the yellow butterflies that have always symbolized my grandfather and my brother who watch over me from Heaven...they have always been for me a sign that everything is going to be okay. I can't remember the specific verse now, but as I left my appointment the day of my biopsy, I was pretty upset and the first thing I saw was on Facebook- a message that was posted by the staff of my church and it couldn't have been more perfect. The day I was diagnosed, Greg and I opened up a devotional book we bought and the verse was "Do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Matthew 6:34 The lesson~ The believer is not to worry about his future.~ We have been so abundantly blessed since we started this crazy life and everything has come in perfect timing, so why worry? Just HAVE FAITH!!!
I have so many people telling me how inspiring I have been and how they admire my strength and I pray that they will know that all of my strength, patience, courage, and joy comes from the Lord. It is surely Him working through me. I pray that I will feel Him every minute for the rest of my life, even after I have been healed and life gets back to normal. I actually hope life takes on a new normal. A normal where I am never anxious for anything, where I pray about everything, where I never take anything for granted.

How my journey began...

For years, I have been such an advocate for the fight against breast cancer. Never knowing why, just knowing how deep in my heart this disease struck and the thought of how millions of women and men have to face it. When my aunt was diagnosed, I thought I finally knew why it stuck with me...I was meant to stand by her and help her in her fight. From the moment she was diagnosed, I started taking it much more seriously than ever before- being adamant about monthly self exams and knowing my body...just in case.
On August 23rd, 2013, I realized that maybe there was more of a reason as to why I was so deeply devoted to standing with those fighting against breast cancer. This was the night that I found the lump in my right breast. It was a very casual thing, I felt it and knew it wasn't right and had my husband confirm. At that moment I decided that I would go first thing Monday morning for a mammogram for which my PCP had already written me a referral for. So at 7 am Monday morning, I was headed to have my first ever mammogram. After my mammogram, they decided to do an ultrasound since the lump could be felt. What scared me was that my mammogram was normal, looked perfectly fine, but the ultrasound detected a small mass. I was scheduled to come back first thing Tuesday morning for a needle biopsy to determine the nature of the lump. This procedure was not the most comfortable, but not too terribly unbearable. Hoping for a quick turnaround on results, the next few days seemed to be some of the longest of my life.
Thursday evening, I got a call from my PCP office stating that they had received my results and needed me to come in Friday to review. The receptionist's exact words were "We have the official results and the doctor would like you to come in to discuss". At that very moment, I knew what I was facing. I had been praying all week, but at that moment I got very specific with my prayers. I asked God to please be there when I was given the news the next day because I knew I would need him, I knew what I was going to hear.
On Friday, August 30th, 2013- one week from finding the lump- I was sitting in my doctor's office with my mother when I received the news. "You have breast cancer" my doctor says. "It appears to be in early stages, but it is aggressive. You have invasive ductal carcinoma." I did not cry, I did not lose my breath. The first thing I did was look at my Mom to make sure she was okay. My first words were "Okay then, what do we do now?" I knew God was with me and I felt the most sudden and deepest peace throughout and I immediately knew that everything was going to be okay. Not one single tear was shed in that office. My husband, Greg, was on his way back into town from working, so I had to call him and tell him the news. This is when my heart broke and the tears started flowing. It was so hard knowing what him and my girls would have to face. Here I was at 36 years old, just being told I had cancer, but trying to figure out how to be strong for everyone else.
This was the Friday before Labor Day, so with it being a holiday, it would be close to a week before I could get in to see a breast surgeon to discuss my next steps since there was a specific surgeon I wanted. So I left my doctor's office with the expectation that they would get me an appointment hopefully some time the next week. But...seeing as how wonderfully God works, I received a call within an hour of leaving my doctor that the surgeon had an immediate opening if I could be there in an hour...OF COURSE I COULD!! So off I went to see the wonderful Dr. Burns. Him and his nurse were amazing and went over everything so carefully and honestly, but very positively. I was at this appointment alone which I felt better about because I could concentrate on my feelings and my questions instead of being worried about how someone with me was feeling. I left this doctor's appointment with the knowledge that I couldn't see my chosen oncologist for almost two weeks, which was disheartening, but this guy was the best I heard, so he is who I wanted. On Monday morning, I got a call that I had scored an appointment with the amazing Dr. Schlabach and I was so relieved. Things were moving so quickly and I knew that God was working all of this out for me. Greg was going to this appointment with me because I knew there would be tons of questions and information and my head was already flooded with all of this new information. I mean, seriously until this point, I thought breast cancer was breast cancer, and some were just more advanced than others. Boy was I wrong! I had Invasive Ductal Carcinoma which was estrogen/progesterone negative and HER2 positive. Not the worst, but not the best. I had been to have a genetic test called the BRCA test done to see if I carried a mutated gene that made my family more at risk for breast cancer. Waiting the two weeks for that test was hard, knowing that if I was positive, it could have a profound affect on my daughters, ages 10 and 14, and would also require me to have a hysterectomy within the next year. Thanks God that test was negative!
Now that I had all of this information, it was time to make some decisions. After tons of internet research on my own, and with the help of my sister-in-law, and TONS of praying and asking for God's guidance, it was so clear to me that I wanted to have a bilateral mastectomy. At 36 years old, I did not want to have to go through this again if I could lessen the chances. My clinical staging of my cancer was a stage 1 because my tumor was only 1.2 cm and although an MRI showed two other small affected places, they wouldn't be confirmed until removed at the time of surgery. It took a little convincing, but my oncologist and surgeon finally agreed that this was a good decision. And so it was scheduled.
On September 19th, I underwent surgery for a bilateral mastectomy with a sentinel node biopsy and would also have expanders placed at this time for future reconstructive surgery. The day of surgery I was extremely nervous. I had never had surgery before, never been put to sleep. I had only been in the hospital for childbirth and that sounded like easy breezy compared to what I knew I was facing. Being told both of my breasts would be removed didn't sound near as bad as hearing my chest muscles would be cut. OUCH!! But the surgery went very well according to both my surgeons. I slept almost the entire first night, and went home the next morning. Greg was AMAZING, the entire time saying how his job was easy and that I had the hard part when all I did was lay around and sleep while he waited on me every second. I had such an amazingly easy recovery. I never was in any pain, only uncomfortable. By this time, I was getting really good at specific praying. "Please God, let me sleep tonight", "Please God, let me be able to reach over my head without pain". These may seem silly, but I was literally trying to make it one step at a time. I was back on my feet in a few days, not totally independent, but up and at 'em! I couldn't shower myself because I had 4 drains coming out of my sides that looked like something from the movie "Aliens" that hung from a belt around my waist that we referred to as the grenade belt. But those two weeks don't seem like such a big deal now.
I have had all of my prep for my reconstruction and will complete that after my chemotherapy is done. All of my lymph nodes and marginal tissue came back negative, so my official staging stayed at Stage 1 :)
That has been another experience in itself. I was told up front I would undergo 6 chemo treatments and would receive an antibody called Herceptin for one year. My treatments would be once very three weeks with blood work on the weeks in between. So on October 30th, I had my first treatment."Please God, prepare me for this and just help me make it through the next 8 hours." I've read so many mixed things about chemo. Some people do fine, some are too sick and weak to brush their teeth. With my newfound friendship with the sweetest lady named Denise, she prepared me a little by telling me her story. Denise and I are neighbors and we go to the same church, but have never really talked until she found out from my Mom about my cancer and we realized we have the same oncologist. Denise and I know talk pretty much every day and she has been a God send and such a good friend! So I made it through my first treatment fine. It took FORVER, but Greg stayed by my side the whole time. I had my 'chemo quilt' a sweet lady from my church made me and tons of people signed with prayers and love. I felt really good the days after my treatment until day 4 when my vision got blurry from my nausea meds drying my eyes out, but once I stopped taking those, everything went back to normal. My worst side affect was the permanent metallic taste in my mouth. The week after when I went to do my blood work, my white cell count was not very good. IT was only 1.1 and my granulocytes were 0.2- NOT GOOD! The day after I developed a fever and was immediately admitted to the hospital with neutropenic fever. This was a result of my chemo regimen and I spent 3 nights in the hospital receiving continuous antibiotics and having several blood cultures taken to make sure the infection didn't spread through my bloodstream. Luckily, it didn't :) I received some booster shots in the hospital to kick my bone marrow into overdrive to produce WBCs. It worked very well, and the doctors determined I would have to have these shots after all of my remaining treatments. I just had my second treatment this Wednesday and received my shot Thursday. I will find out next Wednesday how successful the shot was.
My hair started falling out at day 14 from my first treatment, so after a few days of pulling it out first 5-10 at a time and then clumps at a time, I decided it was time to shave it. Greg and my oldest daughter shaved it for me and they had fun 'styling' it during the shave so it made it easier. I truly haven't been bothered by it at all. It'll grow back and as my sweet brother told me at a time I was struggling with the thought of it falling out "Hair is overrated". Yep!
I've started this blog for those who know me and want to keep up with my story or for those who just happen upon it and find that maybe we are in the same situation. My story is really one about faith. About how since the beginning I have been at complete peace with my trial, hoping that through it all, God will receive the glory He deserves. He has been there for me every step of the way and I know He will never leave my side. He has loved me, carried me, answered so many prayers of those who have rallied behind me. Those who have been loved ones and close friends and those who started out as complete strangers but love me anyway. I could not do any of this without my Father in Heaven and His amazing grace, or without the love I have received from so many people. The last 3 months have been a whirlwind, but it has been easier that I ever could've imagined. I know without a doubt it's because of Him.