Blessing in disguise

Am I thankful that I was diagnosed with cancer? Yes…well, most days. I have not enjoyed the days spent in the hospital being stuck over and over with needles ( I HATE needles!!) I have not enjoyed being stuck in my house for the majority of the past three months. I have not enjoyed the metallic taste that is constant for about a week after my chemo treatments. BUT… these are so miniscule compared to the things that I have learned or accepted since being diagnosed. The blessings that I have received or realized make the dislikes seem like tiny grains of sand on an endless beach.  

Cancer has taught me patience. I have always liked to claim that I am patient with people. I have not however been patient with having to wait for something. Now I realize to never have expectations in a doctor’s office. I may sometimes get right in at my appointment time, I may sometimes wait for over an hour. This may seem small, but it has helped to teach me patience. The world doesn’t revolve around me. (Crazy, right?!?!) I have learned that answers do not always come as quick as we would like them to. I waited one week exactly from finding my lump to receiving my diagnosis…it felt like months. I waited ten days for the results of my BRCA test…it felt like a year. I now accept that answers will come when they come.  

Cancer has taught me to relax. Don’t sweat the small stuff, right?! I can be somewhat of a control freak. I have self diagnosed OCD and ADD. People that I work with will tell you that I have to have everything in it’s place to be able to function. Cleaning is my stress relief and you can always tell how mad I am by how hard I am cleaning. But is it really a huge deal if there are shoes left in the living room overnight? My world isn’t going to fall apart because the towels in the closet aren’t all facing the same way. I only spent one hour versus the normal two of separating and positioning the limbs on my artificial Christmas tree this year and I let my youngest daughter set out ALL of the decorations where SHE wanted them instead of telling her where to put them. I love hearing the gossip and laughter of my daughters at 10:00 on a school night when they’ve been in bed for an hour or while I’m trying to watch TV because their laughter is one of my favorite sounds. Some of the things that I used to take for granted I now notice and cherish, because the things that I used to pay so much attention to somehow now don’t seem so big a deal.  

Cancer has taught me the love of a sister. God decided to bless me with four wonderful brothers- all of whom I wouldn’t trade for anything- but He didn’t bless me with any sisters to grow up with. Instead, He handpicked me four amazing sisters-in-law. My first sister in law has been a part of my life for 17 years. She was only 10 when Greg and I started dating, so although she does not share my blood, I got to watch her grow and got to treat her as my little sister. These women have stood by me since the beginning and treated me as if they have loved me like I’ve been their sister for all of their lives. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved them since each of them entered my life, but I feel closer to them now more than ever.  

Cancer has taught me the kindness of a stranger. I cannot count (mostly because I don’t even know) the people who have prayed for me. This all started from my cousin and my Dad. As I kept them updated on my progress, they updated their friends and shared my posts of Facebook. My prayer warrior chain quickly grew as their friends, and their friends friends, started to pray for me. I wish I could thank each and every one who has sent up prayers for me. I also had a mother of a schoolmate of my daughters’ come up to me in the beginning and let me know that she had arranged dinner for us for the first two weeks after my surgery. She had planned and organized it all without us knowing. 

Cancer has taught me the importance of a church family. You need to surround yourself with those who have the same faith and love for God as you do. I have so many people in my church family who love me and pray for me and are just there for me no matter what I need. I love my small group and the fact that I can just be myself around them no matter what is going on or how I feel. I can walk in there with my bald head gleaming and they never look twice. I can just be me and that feels amazing. 

Cancer has taught me trust. I used to be a worrier. I worried about almost everything- money, people, the future, and lots more. When you are told that you have cancer, it can very quickly get overwhelming trying to figure everything out and preparing for what is to come from day one until the day all surgery and treatment is done. It is a lot of stuff. So I started to pray for the lesson of trust. Please Lord, help me to trust you completely. Please calm my heart. Then God said, I’ve got this, relax. God renews His mercies every day. We are not promised tomorrow…we aren’t even promised the rest of today. So why spend time making yourself crazy about something that might never happen? Just pray for what you need for today, pray for what you need for the next hour. Pray for tomorrow tomorrow. Trust that the Lord will take care of you. 

I feel like I have changed so much over the last four months. I feel like my faith and trust in God has grown so much stronger. I am by no means where I want to be…but I am nowhere near where I used to be. I love that people are inspired by my story and my strength, but it is simple. If we are going to pray to God for the things that we want or need, and we trust Him to provide for us, then why are we surprised when it happens? I just want people to see that God is gracious. Prayer works. If you are living for God, then He will take care of you.

Just have faith. 

“This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I trust Him.” Psalm 91:2, NLT